VICE Magazine is always fun to read, because it has shout outs to the stuck up world. The editors actually have the guts to spell out everything that you usually think in your little worlds. They might never win a prize for sophisticated language, but they surely are worth a reward to be damn honest.
[Excerpts from the article]
We are so sick of you full-grown babies running around aimlessly—with your shoes untied and overdraft-fee receipts falling out of your pockets and grease stains on your cut-offs and employment-repellant skillsets and inability to party and go to work the next morning—that we’ve gone ahead and figured it all out for you.
In the early 2000s, 20- and even 30-somethings could eke out a passable existence as abhorrent, unabashedly selfish, microwave-dependent, and wholly unproductive members of society. Today, somewhat due to the grievous irresponsibilities of our baby boomer parents, we know that such behavior results in insurmountable debts being foisted on future generations, and, if you really give it your all, the slaughter of millions of innocent civilians.
Chances are your parents were selfish and didn’t raise you correctly. Like, at least one-third of the people reading this have no idea how to fold a T-shirt. What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you just not show up to that day of life? But it’s OK. We will show you the way.
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After you’ve gone ahead and landed a real job that pays you in actual money instead of Chili’s gift certificates and sample-size bottles of shampoo, maybe you should think about using your vacation time for something other than sitting on your couch and bar-hopping around your shitty town (or on a friend’s couch in a similar city). Instead, how about you get up off your rapidly widening ass, turn off your phone for a couple weeks, and plunge headfirst into this lonely world to gain some perspective. Go somewhere dirty, dangerous, and cheap, and go by yourself, or with someone you love or are guaranteed to have a good time with. If you’ve ever questioned whether or not you’re stupid or boring, this is a great way to find out. And if you are, there’s a chance you can even remedy it.
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LOVE VS. FUCKING
They say that a life worth living is a life worth sharing. They also say that if you’re an asshole all the time, you’re going to slip on a wad of hair in the shower, hit your head, suffer a contusion, and die. No one will find your corpse until it begins emitting a stench so powerful that it cuts through all the curry and jerk chicken your neighbors are making in your shitty apartment building. In your teens and 20s it’s OK to be annoyingly picky and indecisive (within reason) about finding the “right one” and eliminating people from your uppity little dating pool because they don’t like your favorite brand of deodorant, or because they are Nazis about recycling. Eventually, if you’re lucky, it will dawn on you: “OHHHHHH! I’m the asshole here! Not that girl who I dumped because she’s allergic to paper!” If someone is nice to you, and your privates find them attractive, love them for as long as you can and as well as you can, and then keep trying for even longer than that because you probably don’t deserve a second chance. Fucking, however, is a completely different thing. Grunting like an animal and ramming your parts into another person’s feel-good cavity/getting rammed in yours is purely recreational, and let’s face it, those hot sluts at the bar aren’t going to be the ones you want to see walk into your room with a stack of DVDS and a Coke Slurpie when you’re home in bed with a fever.
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THE INTERNET
Hey, you know what makes adults so special? They only give a shit about a handful of people. This is because they spend the majority of their time being productive members of society, not pretending they are a celebrity and talking about how the vegetarian egg salad wrap they ate earlier “tasted a little funky” on Facebook. You want to know why when you look at photos of people from the 60s and 70s they look so much cooler than you? It’s because they were. They didn’t have personal ego-satellites to mind-rape the country with their inane proclivities and terrible ideas; they actually had to talk to people, like face-to-face, or on the telephone when an in-person conversation wasn’t an option. Speaking of which, how come no one talks on the phone anymore? How about we start doing that again instead of leaving impersonal comments on the profiles of people we secretly hate. It’ll save us all some time. If you must, Twitter and Instagram are far superior because their formats don’t allow for the same level of bloated self-indulgence as a MINI-WEBSITE ABOUT YOURSELF. Trust us, you’re not that interesting.
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here.
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